I woke up this morning with my head full of all the usual plans of all the things I need to do. But once I’d got Carys up and off to school, and I sat down with my breakfast and thoughts, I felt the energy and the will drain away. Not even a coffee-kick could shift the malaise.
Unfortunately, I am no stranger to inertia these days. It comes with the territory of a female body, mid-life, and declining hormones. Perimenopause encompasses a whole suite of unpleasant symptoms that effect our mental and emotional capacity, as well as the more well-known physical ones, such as hot flushes, yet they all share this one common cause that is rooted in our bodies.
But today, the world about me is caught up in stillness. Bird activity is muted, the meadowgrasses in my garden are unusually still - they normally find even the slightest breath of air to dance with - and it’s quiet. There is a sense of waiting, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this the hangover after the event? That day after the night before feeling as the earth pauses following the solstice, then begins its tilt towards winter? Or is this the anticpation of something that is about to begin, something as yet unknowable yet felt, all the same. This lacuna seems to have crept into my veins.
Last night, after spending several days preparing a space in the garden to light our solstice fire, in the end, we didn’t. It was Carys’s Graduation party, and she was having such a great time, we stayed as long as she wanted to. By the time we got home and got Carys into bed, the solstice had happened, it was dark, and we were emotionally drained. Carys has been a student at the Holy Family School since she was 4; it has been such a big part of all our lives. She has thrived, blossomed in their care, they have supported us in ways they probably will never know. I feel deep gratitide, but also loss and grief. My inertia is at least partly due to being held between the past and the future.
Both the solstices are important to me, more than any other marker of time. They are signifers of change, of shifting energies, of renewal and transformation. Just now, we are seeing green abundance, abundance of light, and of fertility, but in the turning of the wheel, we know how that generosity can change. The solstices involve a transfer of power, a change of balance as longest day gives way to shortest night, and visa versa. And as modern humans, we have become uncomfortable with change and imbalance. The rituals we build around these transitional moments can help. For me, lighting that fire at solstice matters. But sometimes we have to go with the flow, and if that flow diverts from my purpose but delivers for Carys, I will always jump into the current. I didn’t light the fire last n ight, but I am ok with that; the universe, the earth knows my heart. Today, I will light a candle instead.
2024 has been a year of significant changes for my family, and so far we are only half-way through. There is more to come, I’m sure, some of it known and therefore prepared for, Carys’s transition into adult daycare, for example. Meanwhile, I try to give myself grace when the inertia overwhelms.
Let’s talk. Has this year been one of change for you, too? Do you mark Summer solstice in a special way? What rituals do you have to cope with change? Do you sometimes suffer from the inertia of your hormonal changes?
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Oh dear Ali, I am sorry you missed solstice, but really, I feel it can be celebrated over a 3 day period, and I do sometimes take it to the end of that period, which would be today. Go ahead and light that fire! Last year was harsh for me, but this year, it has been worse with most of the stuff I've been dealing with on the house, preparing it for sale with a cracked foundation. On the other hand, there have been perks, like staying in Bart's home while he's in France. The malaise overcomes me, and I'm already a crone, menopause being long gone. I think that we are in some kind of time warp, some kind of huge, unknown transition that is keeping our bodies and minds confused. And we are war-weary, so sad and distressed even though it's not on our shores. Just know that you matter - to me and to many family and friends, plus your readers. Thank you for continuing to put yourself out there for us all to read.
Hey Robin! I feel ok about missing lighting the fire for solstice, I really do! It's raining this evening, and cold, so I may just cosy up inside and light some candles instead.
You have been through so much with that house! I was hoping you would have sold it by now, so you can move on from this difficult time in your life.
I'm also really sorry to hear that you still suffer the effects of reduced hormones. I had been led to believe that your body adjust a few years out the other side, but clearly not.
I remember my mother had 2 nervous breakdowns when I was a teen/ young adult. She managed to get off antidepressants, which never helped her, but was always in health food shops looking for herbal remedies for this, that and the other. My sister and I thought she was a hypochondriac, but now I realise from my own experiences that she was probably desperate to alleviate her menopause symptoms. She had no support at all, and I feel so bad about that. My poor lovely mum, and all women who have been through it.
I am glad at least that you can rest a while in the little oasis that Bart's house and garden is providing. Hoping the energy and power shift of this solstice works in your favour, lovely Robin! 😘😘😘
🤞🤞🤞 Hooray! Will be good to see the back of it... let me know how it goes. You can then have fun looking for a new home, and because you are at Bart's, you can take your time looking. 💕
Beautiful authentic writing. Thank you ☘️
Oh dear Ali, I am sorry you missed solstice, but really, I feel it can be celebrated over a 3 day period, and I do sometimes take it to the end of that period, which would be today. Go ahead and light that fire! Last year was harsh for me, but this year, it has been worse with most of the stuff I've been dealing with on the house, preparing it for sale with a cracked foundation. On the other hand, there have been perks, like staying in Bart's home while he's in France. The malaise overcomes me, and I'm already a crone, menopause being long gone. I think that we are in some kind of time warp, some kind of huge, unknown transition that is keeping our bodies and minds confused. And we are war-weary, so sad and distressed even though it's not on our shores. Just know that you matter - to me and to many family and friends, plus your readers. Thank you for continuing to put yourself out there for us all to read.
Hey Robin! I feel ok about missing lighting the fire for solstice, I really do! It's raining this evening, and cold, so I may just cosy up inside and light some candles instead.
You have been through so much with that house! I was hoping you would have sold it by now, so you can move on from this difficult time in your life.
I'm also really sorry to hear that you still suffer the effects of reduced hormones. I had been led to believe that your body adjust a few years out the other side, but clearly not.
I remember my mother had 2 nervous breakdowns when I was a teen/ young adult. She managed to get off antidepressants, which never helped her, but was always in health food shops looking for herbal remedies for this, that and the other. My sister and I thought she was a hypochondriac, but now I realise from my own experiences that she was probably desperate to alleviate her menopause symptoms. She had no support at all, and I feel so bad about that. My poor lovely mum, and all women who have been through it.
I am glad at least that you can rest a while in the little oasis that Bart's house and garden is providing. Hoping the energy and power shift of this solstice works in your favour, lovely Robin! 😘😘😘
Thanks. The house went on the market Saturday, 5 days ago. fingers crossed!
🤞🤞🤞 Hooray! Will be good to see the back of it... let me know how it goes. You can then have fun looking for a new home, and because you are at Bart's, you can take your time looking. 💕